Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who
purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across
was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the
taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,
right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of
a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like
a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself,
'no possible way!
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, 'don't do it master,' reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on
my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking
wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my
left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The
cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'do it
again, do it again!'
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when
you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I
can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),
collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return.v